mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
