I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
