The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize