im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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