Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
