I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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