I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
