i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
