I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
