i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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