tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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