Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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