we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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