i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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