well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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