We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
