1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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