I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
