Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
