I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
