I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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