People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
