Only a mothe r could love this liver
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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