lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
