Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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