It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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