you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
