The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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