Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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