These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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