i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
