he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
