I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
my being single is dangerous.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize