i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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