Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
