yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
