The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
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