i may or may not be watching the land before time
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
