I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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