just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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