I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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