you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
