dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
