Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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