I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
