Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
