I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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