Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
