I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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