I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
