i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
