Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
