I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
3pm strippers are depressing
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
