Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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