Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
