I feel great
I just peed on a car
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
