Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize