my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
