Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
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