Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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