When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
