24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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