I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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