I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
