New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Randomize
