I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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