I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize