OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
