just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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