i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just pee around me
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
