I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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